I'm worried. a bit disheartened. I don't know if the youth camp will continue on. i can't do it next year, and this year, doesn't seem like we'll get enough youth. I really really thought this was it.. from last year's success, I thought this was definitely what God wanted us to continue on. But, how Lord? how can it happen if circumstances keep telling me otherwise? I know God works beyond those, but everytime? I'm not made for this Lord.. I'm not. How can it be that the youth are soo extremely excited, the young adults are working hard to help, the parents are so supportive, yet where are the college people?! Isn't this a college-runned event? I mean, I don't blame people. Most people are gone,  are so busy, too invovled with other things. So, maybe thats just it.. how can something continue on without workers though? You see, I don't want to push people to do this, I want people to have a heart for this. A heart for the youth and their growth. A heart for unity of the churches. and its simply not happening. If I'm promoting for a stl united retreat, yet, no one wants to partner with me, and all I recieve are rejection emails from pastors, is my vision thwarted? Is my vision real? If I asked people to help me promote, but I find myself alone again, is my heart still encouraged? Is my view of unity changed? I dont know, I find myself utterly alone again with only a baby seed of hope in the almighty God to deliver once again. and again, I find it to be my fault because I wont let people in, because I try to act competent and able, when all I want is someone with the same vision and the will to act upon it. All I feel is selfishness and shame.

I'm going to China soon.. wow, its unreal. I'm extremely excited for what God will do there, but kind of nervous for a new setting and for new people that I will meet.

august 7th: leave for China!

you know those moments in your life when everything is just going so well, you think, "wow, definitely something must be wrong because life cannot be this good." I had once heard that if you're going through a time where there is no trial/tribulation, that "life is alllll goood" then there must be something wrong. that the devil doesn't find you a threat anymore, to create trouble in your life where you would ineveitably blame God.

as much as that seems true in some little way, it just doesn't seem to fit who God is. Is he really someone who delights in seeing you miserable and unhappy? that for a spare moment you would not experience peace and blessings? Then who would want to experience this personal relationship with God?! Surely not me! 

so recently, I had felt such bliss. such blessings. Life was going so great, so unbelievably great. Then, it happened. Things crashed. One by one, the secure things i thought I had, were taken away, and I was left empty. broken. dispaired. the only thing I kept seeing was what a failure I was. In everything, I always lose. I'm never good enough. true motives and all. So why Lord? Why does it happen? What did I do?

My friends once asked me, "if you could change one thing about you, what would it be? I answered, "I wish I was stronger." Unable to give an adequate answer for what that meant, In this case, the meaning would be, I wish in moments where my good life was being hit left and right, I was stronger. I know I tend to put on a front, but deep down, I wish I wasn't such a baby inside and not let things affect me like they do. I wish I wasn't so sensitive and let my tears fall so easily. I wish I was like a rock where nothing could penetrate me or hurt me. But, I guess its through these weaknesses where God shows his power, right? 

It's so hard to trust and depend on God when you don't know the future. The only thing you have going is all the past experiences where he has shown up and provided. You also has his promised word telling you that he would provide. Yet, why is it that we are so hardened unto not listening to him and banking on others to comfort you and get you through things? It seems so stupid that you say things and write things in such a way with the slight possibility that others would show sympathy and empathy for what you're going through. Yet again it seems so stupid to think that you need to depend on those encouraging words like, "oh you'll be ok!" or "no, tricia, you're awesome. you're the best!" to make you feel better.. because then, is that what gets us through the tough times? Human words that last temporarily but are then forgotten? Seemingly superficial. how much worse is knowing it, yet not being able to change it?

 The outlook has to be that God has a greater purpose for you and me (cheesy I know. but I'm dead serious). Beyond the pathetic-ness of reading help books like "Where is God When It Hurts?" or singing songs like "Job's Song" there is a meaning. I need you Lord. I know these things happen in our lives where there is no other way than to just depend on the Lord. So I need you Lord.
"You Give and Take away. Still, My heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be Your name!"

I'm extremely tired. but lots to update so bear with me...

    this weekend I went home for easter break. yay for being at a catholic school and actually celebrating and calling  it "easter break" and not as my dads work and other schools call it "spring holiday." ridiculous. this break was nice to spend time with my parents. unfortunately, they found out..... what a true nerd I am. I probably studied 90% of the time I was home. the other 10% was complaining about how I had to study. my parents even called me "boring" sigh. thats when you know... you're getting old.
             also it was nice to go home because I got to play softball! I havn't "techinically" played in a while. even though, club softball just got started at slu,exciting, yet another busy event to add to my busy life! the sad thing is, while playing I got hit in the nose and mouth and started bleeding which is fine, but today I awoke with a fatty fatty bruised lip. that made it hard to apply for summer jobs today becuase I realized how ugly I looked. My mom told me "its ok! they are not allowed to discriminate." we had a good laugh..
             God posed a challenge for me last week to really listen to people. to truely care, genuinely. to give up the time I could spend studying for my test tomorrow or the homework due, and dedicate my energy, my heart to that certain person.. and that person only. trusting in the Lord to take care of the unfinished work I could not do. because the thing is, I have learned through the story of Martha and Mary, that Mary wasn't lazy while Martha was busily working.. it was that she put God first. and that is what I truely believe God is challenging me to do...very hard. It is funny when you pose a challenge with God, he actually takes you up on it.. somehow many people were hurting, and really needing someone that week.. hmm God you sure are funny
               I watched the documentary Invisible Children tonight. I find that I have such a heart for these types of social justice issues, yet I find this deep helplessness and shame knowing my empathetic heart will move on and forget.. and it makes me really angry at myself, yet still not motivating me for big action. I just don't know really, what to do sometimes.. I know a little bit of money, time, helps here and there.. but really? still helplessness and shame. I am so priviledged, over blessed, I take so much for granted, its awful. Somehow while watching, I wanted to say, "God do you care?" "God do you see these hurting children?" and as much as my anger wanted to be directed toward God, I found Jesus's arms wide open to these children, telling them to come to him. loving them so much.
              I have decided to go to China next semester to study abroad. I know I was debating Australlia, but honestly, I want to see God challenge me in a place like China. I want to learn to love my culture and perhaps see opportunities for future missionary work in that place.
              for sectionals and regionals, we're going to mizzou then to austin, texas. im super excited. hopefully my sister will have time to see me, she told me "she'll try to fit me in." incredible. im only in austin once and she will barely make time for me. lol.
               as for the youth camp this summer, i know its early, but please be praying. I've been stressing because the speakers I have been contacting cannot do it, and my fingers are crossed for this potential speaker. as of now, for all you flame askin, it will probably be aug. 2nd-5th, something around there. i really hope for certain churches where they do not have youth programs to partner with me becuase many already have rejected my idea. discouraging, yet encouraging to see how this idea has promoted for more unity among the other churches. you don't see it, but God is working...and though it doesn't have anything to do with the camp, I still praise God for that.
              I never told you about spring break, well I went down to alabama with 12 of my friends to do service work at a camp place that got hit by katrina, and went to gulf shores a few days. it was very relaxing, and though I thought my choice to go with my friends on spring break was deviating from where God really wanted me to be.. I was wrong. God spoke to me, in so many incredible ways down there....

so I have not updated in a while because it doesn't seem much has been really worth mentioning in my spiritual life. It has been quite lifeless. (i only say that because my devotion time sucks). but, God is still working miraculously in the many many little ways, am I right?..that is worth mentioning.

took my first anatomy test today.  basically, my life lately, has been studying relentlessly, every second of the day, abandoning my other classes, to memorize every little bone, and every little single hole and indentation in the body. along with having to know how you can see it in one certain angle and not in another beats me why we need to know such detail. and that was just one chapter out of eight. ok, before I continue on with my complaining, i feel like I did well. whew. overstudied, i think. but, praise Jesus its over. here is another insight, After studying physiology and anatomy, i cannot fathom how people can claim there is no God. The intricacies, the fine detail, the many processes going on at one single moment, is beyond comprehension. When you study it, you cannot say that this was made by a rock or by some phenomenon. There are books, just on cells! books just on histology! to think, I have not even covered beyond my own body. There is not other reply, but to say, praise be to our wonderful creator, God. It boggles my mind, that scientists, who have attained much more knowledge, and know so much more detail, how they can deny such a God, and work relentllessly to create a plausible explaination that is more complicated than it has to be. Psalms says it clear, "the fool says in his heart, there is no God." hits the spot.

tonight, I went a bible study group called, "Embrace." I admit, I was a bit timid b/f going, only because I was scared to go alone to an unfamiliar environment. im a weeny. and I believe going to large group monday, leading small group tuesday, accountablity wed, and now this thursday, is a bit.... overload. ha. but, i'm so glad I went. I really really needed this. A group of wonderful women that I never knew before that God is working in. A group of strong christian women whom I can learn from, I'v really forgotten what that has looked like. It was really challenging to hear what burdens they had upon their hearts. I know God has really pushed me already to look beyond catholicism and to see Jesus is the same Lord for all. It doesn't matter if you're protestant or catholic. No doubt, these women with such strong faiths have God reigning in their lives. I met a girl there, who has been going to church alone sometimes, and struggling. when I talked to her, I got so excited! I started telling her how we could go to church together, and I would introduce her to many people that go to the journey (which I have been, yes, along with the trend which I hate, going to lately). see, I get really excited when people tell me they are looking for a church, and wanting to know other people that go to churches, becuase I was in the same spot freshman year. and it was really hard. and lonely. and I know how they feel. so I'm excited to help her get plugged in.

so small group has been challenging. it has been growing in number, which I only give praise to God for. So many in our group are not saved and yet, yearning for truth.. and it's wonderful that God is using me and Kale to be a part of his wonderful plan. Also, it's wonderful that God is using me. Today talking to Tammy, was encouraging. I feel like last tues. I really messed it up in leading. I'm just not a "leader-type." like kale. I'm frazzled, unsure, unconfident, and do not know how to speak english basically. But remembering from Urbana, that God can use our disadvantages as advantages for God's kingdom portrays my life so clearly.. Funny how that happens. 

so my mom is taiwan, and my dad is home alone. poor dad. he's juggling work and seminary classes, i duno how he does it. my sure hero. I think he might go crazy though. whenever we talk, its always about how the cat is biting him because he wants to go out. how sad.-also I am still deciding whether to study abroad in China or australlia. paradise? or learn my own culture? I really want to go to australlia with all friends and lay on the most beautiful beaches and parrrtay! jk. Yet, somehow, I feel like God always, or maybe its me, that chooses the harder path. That seems to be the trend in my decisions. The hard path, is hard. Yet, I'm positive at the end God always uses it for the better. so china is looking like a great place for evangelism and future ministry. 

so, now that i've finished writing my book... and you've officially fallen asleep I am now.. done. congrats on reading so far. its a good thing I dont update often. goodnite.

          so I have been putting off writing about Urbana, b/c I feel like there is so much to gather, so much to absorb and I figure after days of silent pondering or solitude with God, surely I will be able to fully comprehend what God wants me to share with the public world about this wonderful experience. But, all I got, is nothing. Or maybe, I have something, but my brain is blocked and my heart is too hardened. I bet that is something you havn't heard yet. I dunno. I'm not sure. I mean, I'm not going to lie, it was a great experience! I have learned so much about missions through the speakers and blessed seminars. From AIDS and HIV, to poverty, hunger, to the slum communities, to the urban city in the 2/3rds world, to the garbage world, to unity, to everything! God taught me so much..he opened my eyes, my emotions to the great depravity of this world, and what our response should be. The praise and worship, was outstanding. I cannot explain the deep joy and the greatest feeling of happiness the moment the clock struck midnight on new years eve, how wonderful it was to be praising my God and My savior with the 22,000 other believers around the world from canada, to malaysia, to china, to Africa, to even california,texas, or New York. While the world wastes away on a sad momentary happiness of drunkedness, I got a glimpse of how heaven would be like, worshipping God forever with his people.. amazing eternal Joy.

   so you might wonder, that's great! what do you mean you got nothing?? the fact is, I feel like I was touched in my head knowledge and in my emotional feelings. I cried. my face was pained. my hands were lifted to Jesus. Yet, I do not feel compelled for action. Actually scratch that, I long for action. But I fear, there is no motivation and an apprehension that I know deep down, I will not change. I hear the sad cry of the ripe harvest and it barely brushes against my skin, but it does not penetrate my inner most being, my heart, my soul. and I do not know why. I'm afraid Lord!! I know how great it would be, for the world to be changed, if each person that includes me, goes out and makes a difference! I fear, that negativity of the truth, would bring your people down O lord. It's like what Greg Jao said, "urbana, you have to leave here! I know you're sad to go, but you have to leave because your missions is right when you step out of these doors! so coming back, I get a glimpse of reality and I freaked. I got back to the bubble of this world and conformed to what the world expected and wanted from me. my answers of, "how was urbana?" is what Greg told us not to say, "great." I cannot go further then replying "great" and that saddens me. I blew it again. another chance for evangelism, another opportunity to share about my Jesus. I go back to reality, and I turn on these television shows that promote sex, promiscuity, course language, and I get sweeped into a rage of jealously, anger, coveting, and all the gatherings of sin. man. it's like what brenda said, "do not settle!" but I fear.. I have settled.

  BUT, despite all this, praise be to God, that Brenda's message does not end here. That when we have a tendency to settle, God does not let us settle. He tells Abram, "I'm not through with you yet. I have a calling for you" and praise be to God there is hope for us like there is hope for Abram. God wants us to leave our homogeneous comfort zone to be a multiethnic, multicultural, multinational, multiligual, family of God! It reminds me of Psalm 73:23 "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand." I know right now, I have no motivation. Right now, I think I know the future, yet I know God knows me. and I will never fail or blow it because in a seminar I attended, the speaker told us God uses our disadvantages as advantages to further his kingdom. I will never fall becuase God never lets me go, he holds me by the hand and guides me where he wants me best. For that, I praise him and I wait in expectation for what he will do with me. Send me wherever, whenever, and do whatever. like my hero from Urbana, Princess Kazune Zulu with HIV positive said, "I will not die before I'm dead. I shall live and proclaim the grace of God"

  God is good. I already got a glimpse of him telling me post urbana what I need to work on and how he will use me. It was good to engage in a spiritual dept conversation with a certain individual. Talking with her, she encouraged me, and made me view evangelism in a different light. You see, it is not just about pushing others a religion down a person's throat. It is exposing a person to a relationship. It is to expose our great need of a great God that saves. A God with nail-pierced hands and feet, thorn-pierced face, spear-pierced side, and a love for you and me. that is what compells us to share others about this great gospel. So, I'm hopeful. I know how I am. But I also know how God is.. and that is what brings me hope.

Princess Zulu, my hero. thanks for the picture!!